top of page
  • elle

Extraction v. Sovereignty

Updated: Apr 2

I think most of the sx that is happening is extraction sx. Which is like, fine, but also super fcking boring and actually quite exhausting.

Let the rant begin....

One of my least favorite versions of extraction sx is the kind when someone claims to be very serious about their partner's pleasure during intimacy but actually are only concerned about their own pleasure...

...and it's so obvious because they basically jump on you as if they are a blend of every stripper they've ever seen in television and never once ask you what you like.

They have tricks that have worked countless times - so they do what they do best under the assumption that we'll like what everyone else liked....welp.

They say they want to please their partners, but really what they want is to extract from their partners so they can confirm a story living in their head ie: I am good at sx, I am needed, I am a goddess, I am a sx warrior...blah blah blah

I guess I can't shame and blame anyone because I get it - We all want to feel like the storytale archetype that lives in our fantasy of what a good lover looks like. And almost none of us got intimacy or sensual education.

And! At the same time! There's room to expand here...

We gotta be sure that when we say we want to "please our partner" we don't actually mean *to extract something that appeases some sort of made up ego story that confirms what I think it means to be a good lover*.

A lot of us are believing we want to impress our partners when we really are trying to impress our own ego.

This is probably why a lot of us might feel "used", "depleted", or "vampired" after sex - because it was extraction sex. It can even sneak up on us without notice...Like days later those feelings can start creeping in after what you thought was just so-so sx turns into *ew i don't wanna think about it anymore i have to shake this off* kind of sx

🤷‍♂️ i dunno, maybe this is just me?

I don't think people are out here maliciously being bad at sx - but oofta folks, I do think we have some serious unpacking to do.

Being a good lover is something to hang our hats on, yup yup. But some of us are really out here hanging our hats on an imaginary pole that doesn't actually even hold hats, if ya know what I mean.

I think it's important to take awareness of our super quiet motivations underneath wanting to be a good lover and where we got the idea of what it means to be one came from. Having this self understanding and compassion can guide us towards a more an authentic experience with intimacy.

My hot take: Extraction happens when sovereignty doesn't.

Its about having tact (the touch) when it comes to other people's pleasure.

Getting in touch with our own sovereignty is how we can witness (touch) the sovereignty in others.

Prioritizing the pleasure of our partners involves holding space where our partner is sovereign in their pleasure without impeding on our own.

Meaning... We are speaking to something super juicy inside each other; something that is already there, full of established likes, dislikes, boundaries, energies, memories, and flavors... simultaneously in sovereignty together :)

When everyone involved has this embodiment going on...pssssshhhhh send in the buckets, there's gonna be a disgustingly beautiful mess made around here.

We can call it whatever we want, but ensuring that extraction isnt happening means ensuring sovereignty is held for both of us.

Meaning... We don't actually need to extract anything from anybody to feel good.

Full embodiment of our own sovereignty while loving on each other is the medicine for extraction.


Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page